


Smiles like the sun

by Lulu_The_Real_Slytherpuff



Series: Drown [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Bisexuality, Coming Out, Dallas Stars, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Jamie Benn pov, Jordie Benn Is Still a Dallas Star, M/M, jamie benn writes poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:10:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lulu_The_Real_Slytherpuff/pseuds/Lulu_The_Real_Slytherpuff
Summary: Jamie’s twelve when has his first boy crush.Sequel/Companion piece to 'Drown'





	Smiles like the sun

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, part 2 is finally out!!!
> 
> This is a little lighter than my last two fics and actually has a happy ending! 
> 
> Just a couple warnings to be safe:  
> \- a character refers to himself as a 'fag' due to internalised homophobia  
> \- outsider perspective on another character having a panic attack  
> \- Jamie Benn writes awful poetry about his partners ;)
> 
> Hope you all enjoy

 

*

 

Jamie’s twelve when has his first boy crush.

 

Eli Sheridan is tall, blonde and feisty. He sits two rows behind Jamie in science, and three rows in front of him in English. Jamie’s never crushed on a boy before but when Eli talks Jamie thinks his voice sounds like summer rain, which, is a little cheesy to be honest. But that’s what Eli does to him. Makes Jamie’s cheeks tinge pink when they talk, and write poems in the back of his notepad about how when the sun hits Eli’s golden hair, it shines around him like a halo.

 

But Eli’s gone before the school year finishes, whisked off to Ontario or something like that, and Jamie throws out the notepad before Jenny or Jordie find the poems written in there.

 

*

 

By the time he’s fifteen, Jamie’s figured it out.

 

The way he likes the softness of a girl’s curves, and the sharpness of a boy’s jaw. It’s weird, he thinks, because Stella Dwyer makes him feel like Eli did when Jamie was twelve.

 

She’s got long, chocolate curls that fall down to her hips, and soft, caramel skin that Jamie likes to touch. And she’s sweet too. Sweet enough that Jamie spends all of his time outside of hockey writing poems comparing her sweet personality to the sweetness of sugar. Poems about her deep brown eyes, and how he always finds himself lost in them.

 

Of course he never shows Stella the poems, even though Jamie knows she’s too sweet to say they’re shit to his face.

 

And when Stella moves away too, Jamie finds himself burning the notepad full of poems before any of his family find it stashed behind his pillow.

 

*

 

Jamie’s twenty-one when he comes out to Jordie.

 

They’re living together in an apartment in Dallas, both of them having made the roster for the Dallas Stars. Jordie’s out with his girlfriend, Hayley, and well, Jamie isn’t well-known enough yet to have to worry about being outed anytime soon.

 

The man’s name is Max, he’s a psych major and a football player from the local university. They’d hooked up a few times last year before Jordie had moved in with Jamie, and Jamie wasn’t sure what they were exactly, but sometimes he’d pull a notepad out and write poems about Max’s soft, velvety voice and his sea green eyes that glistened like waterfalls when the sun shone the right way.

 

They’re making out on the couch, Max lying underneath him as Jamie grinds on top of him. It’s not graceful by any means, but the moans that Max is crying out hardens Jamie more and he grinds down harder.

 

And then the light flicks on.

 

“What the fuck, Jamie?”

 

Jamie’s leaping off of Max instantly, face reddening every second Jordie stands there, watching Max adjust his clothes and peck a quick kiss to Jamie’s lips before legging it out the door.

 

“It-it’s not what it looks like,” Jamie yells at Jordie, refusing to meet his brother’s eyes.

 

He’s expecting Jordie to yell at him, kick him out or something. But Jordie leans forward and captures him in a hug.

 

“So, you’re gay?” Jordie says, leading Jamie down onto the couch and patting his back.

 

“Uh, bi actually,” Jamie still refuses to meet Jordie’s eyes, choosing instead to keep his eyes firmly on the floor.

 

“You know I don’t think of you any differently, Chubbs?”

 

Jamie nods.

 

“You’re my baby brother, I’d love you even if you had a thing for slimy green aliens from outer space who only live off of froot loops and lemons,” Jordie laughs out, and Jamie can’t help but giggle, trust Jordie to come up with something like that.

 

“You’re fucking weird, Darth.”

 

“Just trying to ease the tension, fuckwit.”

 

*

 

When Tyler moves to Dallas, Jamie notices that he’s sad. Not in the way that’s obvious though, because Jamie sees Tyler smiling and laughing with the team all the time. Jamie loves it when Tyler smiles, his grin is big, and toothy and Jamie wishes Tyler would never stop smiling.

 

At first, Jamie figures it’s about the trade because even though Jamie loves Dallas and the guys on the team are great, they’re not a good team. Tyler’s probably sad and pissed off that he’s been traded to a team that hasn’t made the playoffs in five years. Jamie would be too.

 

Somehow, Tyler ends up living in the same apartment block as Jamie and Jordie, and Jordie, in all his brotherly wisdom, invites Tyler to hang with them anytime he pleases. He tries to ignore the smug look on Jordie’s face when Tyler smiles his big grin at Jamie, and Jamie practically swoons at the way the smile reaches his brown eyes.

 

*

 

So, Jamie has a crush on his straight teammate.

 

It’s not the first time Jamie’s crushed on a teammate, but this thing he’s got going on with Tyler feels different somehow. Like he can’t just shrug off his crush like he usually does. In the end, Jamie chalks it up to just spending so much time around Tyler, to being the reason his stupid fucking crush on him won’t go away. Or Tyler’s tattoos, because as much as Jamie hates to admit it, the ink that coils up Tyler’s arms are a real fucking turn on.

 

He’s definitely not written almost a notepad full of poems about Tyler’s tattoos, or his smile, or his eyes.

 

Definitely not. 

*

 

It happens the night after they return home from Boston. Tyler’s silent on the plane ride back to Dallas, his skin pale, and purple bags underneath his eyes heavier than ever. Jamie hasn’t seen Tyler smile once, not even when he hops in the passenger seat of Jamie’s truck and Jamie plays his usual country rock music that Tyler hates.

 

“Hey Segs, you okay?” Jamie says, turning his head to briefly glance at Tyler, who’s staring out the window.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

 

“Do you wanna come hang with me and Jordie tonight? Come chill on the x-box, have a couple o’ beers or something?” Jamie asks, tentatively.

 

“Course I do, I’ll be there,” Tyler smiles at Jamie, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

 

*

 

Tyler’s on the floor, rocking backwards and forwards. His head is in his hands and he’s gasping and sobbing, next to an almost empty bottle of whiskey and a smashed phone.

 

“I-I can’t fucking do this,” Tyler’s voice is thick and heavy with tears, and there’s drool running down his chin, “I-I wanna fucking die.”

 

And Jamie’s heart breaks as he slides onto his knees and pulls Tyler into his lap.

 

“Ty, you’re okay buddy. C’mon man,” Jamie says to him, trying to keep his voice firm. He can’t tell if Tyler’s listening to him though, he’s still murmuring to himself underneath his breath, and gasping.

 

“Breathe with me Ty, c’mon,” Jamie moves to sit in front of Tyler, pulling his phone out to text Jordie for help.

 

“They can’t know… I’ll be kicked off the fucking team… why can’t I just die,” Jamie has no idea what Tyler’s whimpering about, but he doesn’t care, just gently lifts Tyler from the bathroom floor and guides him to the bedroom.

 

Tyler’s calmer now that Jamie’s managed to get him into bed.  His head is resting on Jamie’s chest and he’s stroking his fingers through Tyler’s soft locks. He’s sleeping, Jamie realises, and looking peaceful as ever.  Jamie chokes back a sigh and tries not to think about what would’ve happened if he hadn’t flipped his shit and gone to drag Tyler to his apartment.

 

His gaze is broken from Tyler when Jordie knocks on the door and makes his way over to the bed.

 

“Everything’s all cleared up over there, is he okay?” Jordie asks, pressing his hand to Tyler’s forehead.

 

“For now, but I’ve never seen him like that before.”

 

“We’ll talk to him in the morning, yeah.”

 

*

 

Needless to say, the talk in the morning does not go well. Tyler kicks them out of his apartment, and Jamie tries not to get too upset about it. Tyler’s embarrassed, of course he doesn’t want to speak about it.

 

Tyler avoids both him and Jordie at practice, and Jamie tries not to think about the way his smile doesn’t reach his eyes, or the exhaustion that lays evident on his face. As much as Jamie convinces himself that it’s from the gruelling schedule of the season, he’s not sure it is, especially after last night.

 

Jordie corners him after practice.

 

“We can’t just leave him be, Chubbs.” Jordie says, as they make their way towards Jamie’s truck.

 

“I know.”

 

“Listen, how about we use that spare key he gave us. He has to talk about it Jamie.”

 

“I don’t want to break his trust but if that’s what it takes, then I guess we’ll give it a shot.” Jamie sighs, searching his pockets for the truck keys.

 

*

 

Tyler doesn’t come home for several hours and Jamie can feel himself start to worry even more when the door of Tyler’s condo opens.

 

Tyler doesn’t notice him and Jordie, sat at the kitchen counter at first, but when he does, Jamie doesn’t miss the way Tyler’s shoulders tense.

 

“I thought I told you to leave.” His voice is firm, and steady, but Jamie knows better.

 

“We’re not in the habit of leaving our apparently suicidal, alcoholic friend alone in his apartment,” Jordie cuts back at Tyler. “That and we really want to help you out Tyler.”

 

Jamie can see Tyler looking for an out to the situation, can pinpoint the moment Tyler decides to tell them he’s fine.

 

“Don’t tell us that you’re fine, Ty,” Jamie cuts in before Tyler can even open his mouth.

 

“I was going to say, that if you’re going to be crashing my pity party then we might as well grab some beers and put on a shitty movie,” Tyler wanders over to the fridge and grabs out three beers, “And maybe if I’m feeling up to it, I’ll humour you with my feelings.”

 

Naturally, they don’t talk about Tyler’s feelings, and Jamie leaves Tyler’s apartment feeling more worried than before.

 

*

 

Jamie’s heart stops when Tyler collapses on the ground, coughing so much that his legs give out in morning practice.

 

His lips are blue, and his skin is pale, like really, really pale.

 

Jamie doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the look in Tyler’s eyes as they land on Jamie before he blacks out.

 

The image of Tyler surrounded by paramedics who push down at his chest, a desperate attempt to get his heart beating and his lungs breathing again, is something Jamie doesn’t think he’ll ever forget.

 

*

 

“Because I’m gay.”

 

Tyler refuses to meet either Jamie’s or Jordie’s eyes. The heart rate monitor starts beeping faster and Jamie can feel a heavy tension in the pit of his stomach as Tyler curls in on himself and starts to sob.

 

“I know that it’s wrong and I completely understand if you don’t want a _fag_ like me on the team anymore,” Tyler’s breathing heavy, and Jamie’s heart breaks as Tyler stutters, “I just wish I could be fucking normal!”

 

And Jamie pulls Tyler in close, further into his chest and Jordie clutches at Tyler’s hands, rubbing circles into them.

 

“Tyler, you are normal, I promise that no one is going to hate you because you’re gay,” Jamie whispers in Tyler’s ear.

 

Tyler lifts his head up; he’s still crying although the tears are less heavy now.

 

“But, I’m disgusting?”

 

“Tyler, you’re perfect, you’ve always been perfect.”

 

*

 

 When Tyler is released from hospital he’s told that he’s got a minimum of two weeks on injured reserve and weekly appointments to a team therapist. Jamie tries to ignore Tyler tensing in the seat next to him as they both sit in front of the team doctor and Jim Nill.

 

Jamie looks down at Tyler’s hands, clutching so tightly to the seat that his fingers are turning white, and before Jamie can hold himself back, he’s placing his hand over Tyler’s. The tension from Tyler simmers down immediately and Jamie hears Tyler exhale what sounds like a sigh of relief.

 

*

 

It’s not easy, by any means. Jamie never realised how depressed Tyler was until he stopped hiding it from Jamie and Jordie. More often than not, Jamie finds himself wiping tears from Tyler’s face after he has a moment of doubt, fearing that Jamie will reject him for being gay, and every time Jamie finds himself repeating the same words his said to Tyler at the hospital.

 

“You’re perfect, Tyler, I promise.”

 

Tyler is staying in the spare bedroom of Jamie and Jordie’s apartment, claiming that it’s easier if he stays with them so they don’t have to climb the extra flight of stairs to his apartment.

 

There’s no bathtub in Jamie and Jordie’s apartment.

 

Jordie had spent the day before Tyler returned from the hospital draining all the alcohol in the sink, and throwing the empty bottles out. They’d both promised Tyler that they’d do this with him, every step of the way.

 

*

 

“Stay with me?”

 

Tyler’s head is pressed into the crook of Jamie’s neck, and Jamie’s fingers are stroking through Tyler’s hair, like they’ve been for the past 45 minutes.

 

“Of course I will, Ty,” Jamie says, pulling Tyler in closer to him.

 

Jamie waits until Tyler’s breathing has evened out before leaning down to kiss his forehead, and tries not to think about finding Tyler in a panicked frenzy on the bathroom floor two hours earlier.

 

When he wakes in the morning, Tyler has shuffled over to the other side of the bed and is watching Jamie, fear in his eyes.

 

“I’m so sorry Jamie, I don’t know what I was thinking, _fuck,_ I always fuck things up!” Tyler jumps out of the bed, and backs into the corner timidly when he realises the Jamie is awake.

 

“Whoa, Ty, it’s fine… you’re okay, _we’re_ okay. I promise,” Jamie follows Tyler from the bed, and hesitantly steps up to him.

 

And Jamie can see the way Tyler’s eyes tear up as he recognises the sincerity in Jamie’s words. He pulls Tyler into a hug, muttering words of comfort in Tyler’s ear, wishing that he could make this easier. Wishing that Tyler would come to terms with himself like Jamie did, that it was as easy for Tyler as it was for him.

 

*

 

Jamie’s alone in the apartment, with both Tyler and Jordie going out for drinks (non-alcoholic, Jordie says).

 

He’s got a notepad in his hands and a poem half-written out on the page, when the door of the apartment bangs open.

 

Tyler.

 

He’s smiling, and a little drunk as he greets Jamie.

 

“I thought you weren’t supposed to be drinking?” Jamie says, raising an eyebrow.

 

Tyler just shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly and plops himself down on the couch.

 

“Rous bought shots and I thought fuck it, promise it won’t happen again.”

 

Jamie sighs, and suppresses the lecture rising in his throat, Tyler’s not sober enough to understand it yet.

 

“Where’s Jordie?” Jamie asks, when he realises that it was just Tyler that came back.

 

“Left with some chick at the club,” Tyler says, shuddering.

 

And then he’s leaning across Jamie, and yanking the notepad out of his hands.

 

“Hey, what’s this?” Tyler flicks through the pages and dodges Jamie as he tries to grab the notepad back.

 

“Give it back, you fucker!” Jamie yells as Tyler just kicks him away.

 

“Ooh poetry, didn’t know you were such a romantic… who’s the lucky girl?”

 

Jamie’s heart stops when Tyler opens up to a recent page and reads it out.

 

“Smiles like the sun… eyes like crystals… tattoos coiling up _his_..?” Tyler trails off. “His?”

 

“Uh, yeah. I’ll just take that back.” Jamie yanks the notepad out of Tyler’s hands but not before Tyler captures his lips with his own.

 

Tyler’s lips are soft, and he tastes of alcohol. And Jamie has imagined kissing Tyler thousands upon thousands of times but he had never pictured it would be like this, with Tyler’s hands snaking up underneath Jamie’s shirt, and…

 

And it’s not a long kiss, not by any means, because Tyler’s pulling back and retreating to the guest room before Jamie even has time to react.

 

He’s not sure how long he stays on the sofa, replaying the kiss inside his head but he’s still there by the time Jordie gets back. When Jamie finally makes it back to his bed, he’s got the feeling of Tyler’s lips committed to memory, and a poem fresh on his tongue.

 

*

 

Tyler’s out of the apartment before Jamie can speak to him in the morning, and he avoids Jamie like the plague during practice and all up until the game against the Predators that night.

 

Shit, Jamie thinks, as he realises the Tyler’s probably going to have another relapse. That Tyler is more than likely replaying the kiss in his head, and not in the same way Jamie has.

 

They lose the game 3-1, it’s not a huge loss but Jamie knows he could’ve scored more if he was in the right mindset. Instead of watching Tyler the whole game. Watching the way his shoulders slump, or the way his eyes don’t light up like they normally do when he play, and especially the fact the Tyler won’t even look at Jamie.

 

*

 

Most of the team have left the arena the time Jamie’s showered and dressed, he’s hoping to get home and find Tyler, reassure him and try to end the shit show before it gets any worse. He walks into the locker room to find Tyler slumped over in his stall, tie still untied around his neck.

 

“Ty, you okay?” Jamie asks, cautiously making his way over.

 

Tyler nods and lifts his head, and Jamie doesn’t miss the dried tear stains on his cheeks.

 

“I’m sorry about last nigh-“

 

“Don’t be.”

 

“I just, I read your poem and I just assumed… Jamie I hope you can forgive me,” Tyler looks so small sat there in his stall, begging Jamie for forgiveness that he doesn’t need to ask for.

 

“Don’t apologise, Tyler,” Jamie says while getting on his knees in front of Tyler.

 

“Why not, I invaded your privacy?” Tyler shoots back.

 

Jamie sighs, and brings his hands up to Tyler’s face, forcing Tyler to look at him.

 

“Those poems, Ty –“

“Yeah?”

 

“They were about you, okay,” Jamie blurts out.

 

Jamie doesn’t miss the way Tyler’s face switches from fear to shock.

 

“But?”

 

“No buts Ty, I promise they were all about you and I completely get it if you think it’s weird.”

 

“They were?”

 

“Yes!”

 

 _Fuck it,_ Jamie thinks, before leaning in to kiss Tyler on the lips, much like Tyler did to him the night before.

 

The kiss is soft, and Tyler’s mouth tastes of peppermint, a far-cry from the alcohol he tasted of last night. Jamie pulls Tyler in closer, and runs his fingers through Tyler’s hair. It’s also much longer than the one last night, sweeter too.

 

And then Tyler is giggling into the kiss, and Jamie peeks an eye open to see Tyler staring back at him, a twinkle in his eyes as he pulls away. Not wanting Tyler to move away from him, Jamie pulls their foreheads together.

 

“Is this for real?” Tyler asks, breathless.

 

“Always.”

 

**Epilogue**

It’s a Thursday night in the offseason, and Jamie returns home to his apartment to the sounds of Tyler swearing and loud clanging coming from the kitchen.

 

“Ow, fuckity-fuck-fuck!”

 

Tyler’s standing over the hot stove stirring a pot of something that Jamie can’t quite work out. Tyler hasn’t heard him come in yet, still trying to wipe up whatever’s jumped up out of the pan.

 

Jamie stands behind his boyfriend and wraps his arms around Tyler’s stomach, resting his head next to Tyler’s.

 

“Mmmm, smells delicious. What’re you making, babe?” Jamie asks, pressing a kiss to Tyler’s cheek.

 

Tyler giggles, and turns to face Jamie.

 

“Something that’s going to be burnt if you keep distracting me,” he says, leaning up to Jamie and pressing a kiss to Jamie’s lips.

 

“Quit it with the PDA, lovebirds!”

 

Jamie groans as a pair of smelly socks hits him in the back of his head, and he turns to flip Jordie off before capturing Tyler’s lips once again.

 

They’ve been together for nearly several months now, and sometimes Jamie wants to cry in frustration when Tyler loses the light in his eyes, or has a drink too many after a loss, but Tyler’s trying. And Jamie, Jamie doesn’t miss the way that Tyler’s smile brightens whenever he’s around, that the sadness he’d seen when Tyler had first arrived in Dallas was almost gone.

 

And that’s enough for Jamie, to see Tyler, his boyfriend, be happy, and finally accept himself. It’s enough that when Jamie writes poems, he traces them in the grooves of Tyler’s back, and whispers them into his ears because Tyler’s smile is like the sun, and Jamie really loves the sun.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, constructive criticism is always welcome and greatly appreciated. 
> 
> I'm currently working on a Mitch Marner fic but I'm always looking for new ideas to write about so if you have any ideas feel free to send them through :)
> 
> Thanks guys :)


End file.
